I’ve learned a lot of dumb things over the last few months – haven’t we all?
I wash my hands ten times a day. Until they look like prunes. I stay out of crowded places. I’ve learned all sorts of ways to avoid touching people – elbow bumps, mimed handshakes and the like. I wear horrible yucky plastic gloves and of course the face mask.
When this all started, face masks were harder to find than an honest politician, or a virgin at Mar A Lago. My wife Candice and I ran out to Costco and cleaned them out. Then a couple of weeks later we had to hit Costco again.
Today – six months after the Covid emergency began – face masks are the hottest fashion accessory on the market. Some of the world’s top designers are creating them in gorgeous designs. And at ridiculous prices – $300 or more! You can get them with designer logos and high-fashion fabrics.
I went to Starbucks recently and saw the barista was wearing a fashionable thing with sequins across the top.
“That’s a nice mask,” I said. “Is it surgical?”
“No,” she replied “It’s a cough-ee filter!!!”
My doctor joked that I should always wear a mask inside my home – to avoid being 400lbs by the time the pandemic is over. One of my favorite masks shows a kid’s nose and mouth – with gallons of ugly snot! I’ve ordered six of them for my friends!
There’s another one that says: I’M NOT YELLING – I’m Italian!
Yet another one says: If you’re reading this, you’re too damn close.
My wife Candice, who always manages to look fabulous in whatever she wears, tracks down local mask-makers who give a proportion of their profits to charity. Obviously she wouldn’t be caught in the snotty kid mask, but she has some great ones with multi-colored polka dots and sequins. And she’s glad that she’s helping local charities by doing it.
So how do you keep these masks clean I asked my fashionista wife.
Try panty-liners, she told me.
Huh?
Put them in your mask and you can remove them when they get soiled.
So we were going out to dinner the other night. Have you got a fresh panty-liner in your face mask, my wife asked.
No, I replied, it’s the wrong time of the month.
So here are a few silly mask jokes to help you through the pandemic:
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus outbreak. Upon getting to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required.
