I’ve learned a lot of dumb things over the last few months – haven’t we all?
I wash my hands ten times a day. Until they look like prunes. I stay out of crowded places. I’ve learned all sorts of ways to avoid touching people – elbow bumps, mimed handshakes and the like. I wear horrible yucky plastic gloves and of course the face mask.
When this all started, face masks were harder to find than an honest politician, or a virgin at Mar A Lago. My wife Candice and I ran out to Costco and cleaned them out. Then a couple of weeks later we had to hit Costco again.
Today – six months after the Covid emergency began – face masks are the hottest fashion accessory on the market. Some of the world’s top designers are creating them in gorgeous designs. And at ridiculous prices – $300 or more! You can get them with designer logos and high-fashion fabrics.
I went to Starbucks recently and saw the barista was wearing a fashionable thing with sequins across the top.
“That’s a nice mask,” I said. “Is it surgical?”
“No,” she replied “It’s a cough-ee filter!!!”
My doctor joked that I should always wear a mask inside my home – to avoid being 400lbs by the time the pandemic is over. One of my favorite masks shows a kid’s nose and mouth – with gallons of ugly snot! I’ve ordered six of them for my friends!
There’s another one that says: I’M NOT YELLING – I’m Italian!
Yet another one says: If you’re reading this, you’re too damn close.
My wife Candice, who always manages to look fabulous in whatever she wears, tracks down local mask-makers who give a proportion of their profits to charity. Obviously she wouldn’t be caught in the snotty kid mask, but she has some great ones with multi-colored polka dots and sequins. And she’s glad that she’s helping local charities by doing it.
So how do you keep these masks clean I asked my fashionista wife.
Try panty-liners, she told me.
Put them in your mask and you can remove them when they get soiled.
So we were going out to dinner the other night. Have you got a fresh panty-liner in your face mask, my wife asked.
No, I replied, it’s the wrong time of the month.
So here are a few silly mask jokes to help you through the pandemic:
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus outbreak. Upon getting to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required.
Phil Bunton founded Rivertown magazine way back in 1990. He previously worked on the New York Post, Star magazine, the National Enquirer and a host of British newspapers. He is married to prominent interior designer Candice Boyle.